PITCHFORK by Rob Kolar

Just reminding all of you indie enthusiasts to be up to date on your Pitchfork reading. A place where you can discover amazing new artists like Vampire Weekend who manage to sound like four private school preps attempting to mix a watered down version of private school pop, 3rd wave ska and white-boy world music into a shmaltzy smoothie. Pitchfork says 8.8! Find records like this and records devoid of melody and taste all rated with expertise. Forget the 1-5 star systems of old. Pitchfork uses a 10 point scale with decimals for the most accurate rating system. Make sure all your monthly darlings have a score meticulously calculated to represent the exact quality and standard of the music. Who needs to actually listen to music to decide whats good. There's so much out there. Forget about it. Just read Pitchfork and they will TELL YOU what to listen to. Simple as apple pie. They'll even tell you what not to listen to like Dr. Dog who combines Beatles-esque melodies, innovative production, and an eerie charm ala Daniel Johnston. Pitchfork says... 4.4! Who needs it. If you're short on time in this "rat race" of a lifestyle just skip the review and head straight for the number which will tell you all you need to know. What are you waiting for go now! Or you'll miss whats hot for the next few minutes!